Chapter IX: The Booth at the End

Ellis has been standing in this town square for a while, occasionally barking profanities at passers-by. I have cut down the introductory flavour text for brevity in case that inspires more of a reaction

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You: You’re standing in the middle of a robot town. You can see a statue, a smashed up tank and some shops. You have no memory but an incredibly strong sense of de ja vu.

Stranger: 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

You: What would you like to do?

Stranger: I will wake up from dream

Stranger: 😂😂😂

You: You pinch yourself. It hurts. But you're still standing under a big neon sign that says "TIN TOWN".

You: From here you can signs reading “Copper’s Write Electrical Store”, “Doc Osmium’s Repair Workshop”, “The Tin Memorial War Museum” and “Nicky Nickel’s Diner”.

Stranger: I will switch off the tv

You: There are some TVs in Copper's Write Electrical Store, but they are behind wire mesh.

Stranger: I don't know

You: You can go to any of the shops. You can check your pockets. Or whatever else your imagination can come up with.

Stranger: Who are u

You: I am narrating.

You: What do you want to do?

Stranger: Are u planning to make avtaar3

Stranger: Or Titanic 2

Stranger: Something like that

Stranger: 🙄🙄

You: You notice that none of the androids around you are blue. Or drowning.

This time Ellis’s personality sticks around for a while, asking questions of the thin air while not really knowing what to do (despite some, quite frankly, over-charitable hints). Still, it is good to know that the player is experiencing something new.

Stranger: I never think before while chating

Stranger: It seems i am sitting in some boring class

Stranger: Why u are boring me

You: You're not sitting in some boring class. You are standing in a town square.

Stranger: Wtf

You: There may be more interesting things if you go somewhere else. But for now, there is boredom.

Your chat has been disconnected. Click here to chat again.

The story so far. Ellis Cobalt was an android PI, and a veteran of the Robot Wars. That was before they were framed for one murder (Clagg Masterdon, the owner of Utopolis), and in a bid to escape arrest, committed another (A detective investigating the case), and that’s not counting countless wrecked police-bots. This situation is made more difficult thanks to the irreparable damage done to Ellis’s positronic brain, causing their memory and personality to completely reset every few minutes at random.

Ellis then found themselves crawling, lost and bullet riddled, through Tin Town, the robot quarter of the tower city of Utopolis. A helpful doctor patched them up, gave them facial reconstruction surgery to looklike Ryan Gosling, and gave Ellis some invaluable insights into the post-Robot-Wars world Ellis now lives in, and the uneasy, fragile peace thatexists between humans and robots.

From there, Ellis wandered into a war museum, learned much about just what the terrible cost of the Robot War was, and the strict rules that govern the peace. Most notably, that androids are under no circumstances allowed to reproduce.

Then they went into the gift shop and promptly forgot everything they had learned, and aggravated the shopkeeper to the point where the police were called and Ellis’s true identity was nearly revealed (to themselves as much as anyone at that point).

Now Ellis is back at square one, no better off than they were when they crawled bleeding and broken out of the elevator and into Tin Town square. Although it has to be said, they are considerably better looking.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You: You’re standing in the middle of a robot town. You can see a statue, a smashed up tank and some shops. You have no memory but an incredibly strong sense of de ja vu.

Stranger: You should Write a Book :)

Why thank you player! As it happens Dirty Work, an anthology of weird fiction, is available in e-book and paperback form for a very reasonable price!

You: From here you can see signs reading “Copper’s Write Electrical Store”, “Doc Osmium’s Repair Workshop”, “The Tin Memorial War Museum” and “Nicky Nickel’s Diner”.

You: What would you like to do?

Stranger: Diner, I like to eat :D

You: “Nicky Nickel’s Android Diner” it says along the wall and on each of the menus in flashy primary coloured fonts. If you ever wondered what an android diner served, the answer is printed on backlit signs hanging over the canteen.

You: Hamburgers, hot dogs, chips, and milkshakes. Perfectly ordinary looking food with “Hand Prepared- Not Printed!” on a little star shaped piece of cardboard pinned beneath the menu.

Some smart arses out there are probably asking why an android would eat what is pretty obviously human food. It’s called biofuel, doofus.

“But Chris,” some of you are saying. “Why would we use perfectly food for biofuel when the stuff in the compost bin will do just as well?”

People like you are the reason we had a Robot War in the first place. You sicken me.

You: The tables are in kiosks against the wall opposite the canteen, beneath windows looking out onto Tin Town square. At the far end of the room is a Juke Box. An android, whose face is half synthetic flesh, half bronze is wiping down the bar. They may be the Nicky Nickel whose name is over the bar

You: What would you like to do next?

Stranger: Dancing :)

You: There's a juke box at the end of the bar

Stranger: I know

You: Juke Box The juke box’s play list features songs such as:

Future Soon, by Jonathan Coulton

Robots, by Flight of the Conchords

Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots Part 1 by the Flaming Lips

Death to Los Campesinos by Los Campesinos

Robot Song by Kenickie

Stranger: I dont know this songs

You: It's an android juke box. It probably does requests.

Stranger: I dont know, what the \"game\" wants to say

You: If there is a song you want to dance to, just ask the juke box.

Stranger: Okay

Stranger: But I mean the \"game\" in general

You: The "game" has nothing to say but respond to your actions. You can look around, check your pockets, order some food, play a song.

We don’t like folks who go round breaking the fourth wall in these parts. We like our fourth wall right where it is, thank ye.

Stranger: OKaz :D

You: There is a figure sitting in one of the booths who... I don't want to pigeonhole them by describing them as "dark and mysterious", but... yeah.

You: What would you like to do next?

Stranger: I dont know

You: Pockets? Juke box? Food? Mysterious figure?

You: The android behind the bar with the half a bronze face leans over and says "Hey! You gonna order something?"

Stranger: Yes, i want to

You: "What would you like? We got it all. Homecooked! None of that 3D printed rubbish!"

Stranger: Vegetable

You: "I do a mean vegetarian lasagna?"

Stranger: Yes its okay

You: He scribbes your order on a bit of paper and hands it through a hatch to the kitchen. "That''ll be $12.99."

Your chat has been disconnected. Click here to chat again.

As soon as it was time to pay Ellis completely forgot everything. In many ways Ellis resembles a lot of freelance clients.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You: You have no memory of how you got here, what you’re doing, or even who you are. All you know are your surroundings. You are standing in a startlingly accurate recreation of a 1950s American Diner, with the only small flaw that you are being served by a half-man, half-bronze cyborg. He is looking at you expectantly.

Stranger: ohhh

You: "I said that'll be $12.99," the bronze cyborg says, looking at you expectantly.

Stranger: asl ?

You: "120 years old, male, and waiting for you to pay for your order," the cyborg says.

Stranger has disconnected.

Oh dear.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You: You have no memory of how you got here, what you’re doing, or even who you are. All you know are your surroundings. You are standing in a startlingly accurate recreation of a 1950s American Diner, with the only small flaw that you are being served by a half-man, half-bronze cyborg. He is looking at you expectantly.

Stranger: Fuck off

People, be polite to customer service personnel. They don’t deserve this kind of abuse.

You: "Don't you tell me to fuck off," the robot says. "You order this food, you're damn well gonna pay for it."

Stranger: Is this a machine??

You: "No," he says. He brings up an arm from beneath the bar. His entire arm is a shining, gold, futuristic looking gun. "This is the machine. Now are you gonna pay, or we gonna have words?"

Stranger: Who are you?

You: "I am Nicky Nickel, the proprietor of the finest diner in Tin Town," he says. "You are the one who just ordered my DELICIOUS vegetable lasagna. And now I want £12.99."

Stranger: I hate lasagna

Shit is about to kick off, when an unlikely hero appears.

You: The guy looks like he's about to lamp you when a figure comes up to the pair of you. "Leave it Nick," he says. "I'll pay for the lasagna. It's not half as good as you say it is anyway."

Stranger: Who is he?

You: "Come sit down and talk," the figure says. "We've got a lot of shit to sort out, Ellis."

You: He beckons you to sit at a table with him.

Stranger: I love this book, wanna order one

You: "You don't know half the story, pal," the guy says. "You going to sit down or what?"

Stranger: You're boring

Stranger has disconnected.

Don’t listed to Stranger, guys. This mysterious figure is really interesting. In fact, I think this could be the guy to crack open the whole case. All we need is the kind of expert, precision questioning that Ellis Cobalt, PI is famed for.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You: You have no memory of how you got here, what you’re doing, or even who you are. All you know are your surroundings. You are standing in a startlingly accurate recreation of a 1950s American Diner, by a table where a dark and mysterious figure is sitting. He looks at you expectantly. “Are you gonna sit down?”

Stranger: yes

You: You sit down at the table. "Now tell me Ellis, what do you remember?"

Stranger: i am naked

Stranger: with 6 inches dick

Stranger: everyone want to suck my dick

You: The figure looks you over. You're wearing a brown trenchcoat, shirt and trousers. "Oh Christ, I really messed you up didn't I?"

Stranger: lol

You: He leans forward. "Okay, I know this means nothing, and you probably won't remember it in five seconds time, but I'm sorry it had to happen this way, Ellis. I wish there'd been another way."

Stranger: take care baby

You: The figure puts his head in his hand and groans. "Have you been like this the whole damn time? It's a real wonder you've lasted this long. But what the hell. That's why I need your help anyway."

Your chat has been disconnected. Click here to chat again.

Who is this mysterious figure? What is he sorry for? Why does he need Ellis's help and how long will he be willing to listen to Ellis talk about their totally fictional penis to get it?

The camera pans out of the diner window, as the mysterious figure's expression grows more and more strained while Ellis gestures elaborately to illustrate length, girth and momentum.  Fade to black.

TO BE CONTINUED