Wednesday 11 January 2017

Chapter I: Suspects Love Kitchens

So I’ve decided to run an RPG using random text chat sites Omegle and Imeetzu (for the record, Imeetzu has far less bots). It’s going well.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: You have no memory of how you got here, what you’re doing, or even who you are. All you know are your surroundings.

You’re standing in a vast, expensive looking apartment, all white furnishings and floor to ceiling windows with one way glass. To your west a French door leads out to a balcony with a crystal clear outdoor pool, the rush hour traffic hovering in an aerial queue above and below it.

To the east is a large table with an intricate looking architectural model on top of it.

To the south, behind you, is a pair of expensive looking double doors made of real wood, that you suspect is where you came from.

And to the north, right in front of you, is a dead body.

Looking around you can also see, a kitchenette, several large bookshelves, and open doors to the bedroom and bathroom. One hand is holding something in your abnormally large pocket. The other is holding a pistol with the word TURING written along the barrel.
Stranger: How are you doing?
Stranger: You m or f?
You: You ask the dead body how it's doing, but receive no answer. Still, it appears to be male.
Stranger: Are you crazy?
You: It's unclear whose sanity you’re questioning. That of the person standing in a room talking to himself, or the body which is insanely dead.
You: What do you want to do?
Stranger: Are you saying you are m?
You: You're in an empty room. Apart from the corpse. The corpse definitely seems male.

Stranger has disconnected.

This is the story of Ellis Cobalt. Ellis Cobalt is a super strong, super intelligent android, a veteran of the Robot Wars and the best damn PI in Utopolis. Unfortunately an attack has damaged their positronic brain, and so every few minutes their memory is wiped and their personality is completely rebuilt from scratch. Like in Memento, or a really shit version of regeneration in Doctor Who, and with half the new personalities being those of spam bots or guys who want you to send them pics.

I have deliberately kept the scenario as a pretty straight forward one. If you’ve played DnD before or a point and click adventure it’ll probably take you five minutes to find out who you are, who the murder victim is, and how the murder went down, as well as giving you evidence to clear your name.

It’s not going to go down like that.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: Hello
You: You have no memory of how you got here, what you’re doing, or even who you are. All you know are your surroundings. You’re standing in a vast, expensive looking apartment, all white furnishings and floor to ceiling windows with one way glass.

To your west a French door leads out to a balcony with a crystal clear outdoor pool, the rush hour traffic hovering in an aerial queue above and below it.

To the east is a large table with an intricate looking architectural model on top of it.

To the south, behind you, is a pair of expensive looking double doors made of real wood, that you suspect is where you came from.

And to the north, right in front of you, is a dead body.

Looking around you can also see, a kitchenette, several large bookshelves, and open doors to the bedroom and bathroom. One hand is holding something in your abnormally large pocket. The other is holding a pistol with the word TURING written along the barrel.
You: It's a bad situation. You're in a room with a corpse, holding a gun, and no memory how you go there. What are you going to do?
Stranger: Drop the gun and run
You: Where to?
Stranger: Into the kitchen 
You: This is a kitchenette of the super rich. It has a half-stocked wine cooler, a 3D food printer and a disposal chute for the dirty dishes. Cutlery and plates are naturally printed with the meal.
Your chat has been disconnected. Click here to chat again.

We’re now going to learn an important lesson about human nature. If you give people a mystery to solve, and a 3D food printer, they’re going to play with the food printer.


You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: You have no memory of how you got here, what you’re doing, or even who you are. All you know are your surroundings.
You’re in a high tech kitchenette. This is a kitchenette of the super rich. It has a half-stocked wine cooler, a 3D food printer and a disposal chute for the dirty dishes. Cutlery and plates are naturally printed with the meal. You have something in your pockets. What do you do?
Stranger: Cool
You: You can leave the kitchen, look around, check your pockets, or anything else.
Stranger: Nice
You: You seem optimistic about your situation. What do you want to do?
Stranger: I would like to try that 3d food printer
You: What would you like to order?
Stranger: Cheese
Stranger: For my wine
You: The machine rumbles and groans and eventually a lump of cheddar is extruded from the machine.
Stranger: Amazing
Stranger: Any blue cheese in there too? I am heaving a hermitage 2006
You: The machine rumbles again, and this time disgorges a strong smelling blue cheese.
Stranger: Beautiful
You: What next?
Stranger: No i am ready to relax and enjoy my body
You: In the kitchen?
Stranger: Why not

I’m going to cut here, because this isn’t that sort of blog and I don’t want to have to add trigger warnings. But suffice to say the player soon discovers androids don’t have genitals. They disconnected very shortly afterwards.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: You have no memory of how you got here, what you’re doing, or even who you are. All you know are your surroundings. You’re in a high tech kitchenette. This is a kitchenette of the super rich. It has a half-stocked wine cooler, a 3D food printer and a disposal chute for the dirty dishes. Cutlery and plates are naturally printed with the meal. Half a lump of foul smelling cheese and a half bottle of champagne are on the kitchen side. You have something in your pockets. What do you do?
Stranger: hey
You: Nobody answers. Not even the cheese.
You: What do you want to do?
Stranger: ok then… 
Stranger: ofc the cheese wouldnt answer, its cheese
Stranger: eat bare food innit 
You: If you like really strong cheese, this is good really strong cheese.
Stranger: like i have a food printer im gonna use that shit
You: What will you order?
Stranger: idk everything 
Stranger: id order a massive burger a milkshake fries 
Stranger: cake
You: A gigantic burger squeezes out of the printer, followed by a delicious looking fruitcake.
Stranger: thats a very imaginative story tho 
Stranger: nah fam fruitcake is kinda shit uno 
Stranger: what about chocolate cake?
You: A chocolate cake rolls out of the printer.
You: It is delicious.
Stranger: ty
You: What next? Check your pockets? Leave the room?
Stranger: yh i think ive had enough to eat 
Stranger: id probably then try find out wtf is going on 
You: You leave the kitchen and find yourself in a vast, expensive looking apartment, all white furnishings and floor to ceiling windows with one way glass. To your west a French door leads out to a balcony with a crystal clear outdoor pool, the rush hour traffic hovering in an aerial queue above and below it. To the east is a large table with an intricate looking architectural model on top of it. To the south is a pair of expensive looking double doors made of real wood, that you suspect is where you came from. And to the north, right in front of you, is a dead body.
You: On the floor by your feet is a gun.
Stranger: hang on is this a zombie apocalypse?
You: There's an awful lot of cars flying past the window for the apocalypse. But your memory's gone. Maybe zombies can drive flying cars now.
Stranger: ayt fuck this shit ive got all this rich ppl shit like im set for life
Stranger: so im staying inside
Stranger: like blocking everything up 
Stranger: and just living in this big ass house
You: Maybe. Unless all this belongs to that dead guy on the floor.
Stranger: oh well hes dead inni what am i supposed to be doing 

Stranger: just kidding thats kinda mean

I’ve got to admit, I warmed immensely to this player just because they worried about being mean to a fictional dead guy.

Stranger: well if it belongs to him ill pick up the gun
Stranger: check the guys pulse and see if hes got a heartbeat 
You: The gun fits well in your hand. The word "TURING" is written along the side. You pocket it.

You: The body is that of a middle aged, overweight white guy, the same one that appears in a bunch of the flickering digital photo frames you can see around the room, shaking hands with the sorts of people that look like you want to be photographed shaking hands with them. He has three gunshot wounds in his chest, and blood has formed a wide, sticky black-red pool around him. He’s clutching something in his hand.

At this point the player has a theory. I like the way he thinks.

Stranger: is this guy donald trump?
Stranger: coz if he his his fat ass is getting thrown over the balcony
You: He doesn't look like Donald Trump. Well, not much like him anyway.
Stranger: oh ok he can stay then
You: So, you're in a room with a dead body, no memory, and you've got a gun. Honestly, I'm just the narrator, but it doesn't look great.
Stranger: oh shit i fucking killed the guy
You: Maybe. You don't remember.
Stranger: whoops
Stranger: yh good point 
You: Do you want to check your pockets?
Stranger: yh might aswell
Stranger: might find something
You: Your pockets contain a digital camera, an ID badge that reads NAME: Ellis Cobalt PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR’S LICENSE: 161228020382 And a notepad with two lines of text written onto the first page. First it says TAKE LOTS OF NOTES. Secondly it says YOU DIDN’T KILL HIM.
You: There is also a pen.
Stranger: can i check the dead guys pockets aswell coz he might have some money in there uno
Stranger: wait it says i did it or i didnt?
You: Didn't.
Stranger: oh good 
You: The guy's pockets contain an ID that says he's called Clagg Masterdon, and a credit card with $6 trillion on it.
Stranger: ayyy yesss im rich boys
You: What next?
Stranger: spend it 
Stranger: fuck it im rich now

Sadly, Ellis Cobalt’s enjoyment of the high life is about to come to a violent end.

You: There is a polite knocking at the door. Swiftly followed by somebody shouting “Open up! Police!” 
Stranger: this money is all mine im set for life im building a bat cave and hiding from zombies
Stranger: oh fuck its the feds
Stranger: does he have a panic room?
You: You can look. From here you can see the bathroom, bedroom, a table with a huge building model on it, and the balcony. Where do you want to go?
Stranger: hang on i have a gun
You: You do.
Stranger: let the police come at me 
Stranger: ill fucking shoot them
You: The expensive wooden doors shatter and the room is invaded by what looks like a dozen unicycles being ridden by shiny blue tanks with POLICE written along the side in alarming white letters. A man with a face that looks like Mount Rushmore before the chiselling began walks in. He’s wearing a rumpled grey suit and is holding a gun with TURING written along the barrel. “Freeze!” he shouts. 
Stranger: how many bullets do i have?
You: Strangely enough, the clip seems to renew itself.
Stranger: oh sick 
Stranger: right the feds are getting fucked over
Stranger: like im gna shoot them all
Stranger: and then im gna take all their resources
Stranger: like theyre unicyles and shit coz it might come in handy
Stranger: then thrown them off the balcony along with the dead guy coz hes bringing me a lot of trouble rn
You: You fire off randomly, and the unicycles go down, exposing robot innards. But then you reach the guy in the suit and the gun just clicks uselessly.
You: "Come on Ellis," the guy says calmly. "You know Turing guns can't hurt humans."
Stranger: throw the gun at him 
Stranger: wait wtf 
Stranger: ayt imma go batman on his ass
Stranger: im gna try and beat the shit out of all of them
You: You knock him down easily, he's tough, but old, and you do seem preternaturally strong.
You: You can hear distant sirens, there are more cops on the way.
Stranger: oh ffs 
Stranger: ayt imma take the police`s guns and shoot them all 
You: All of the guns have TURING written along the barrel. If they send any more humans, you're fucked.
Stranger: oh wow 
Stranger: this guy must have more weapons in his house
Stranger: at least a baseball bat
Stranger: acc nah i dont need that
You: You search the apartment, but the guy doesn't seem to have any guns.
Stranger: get a bunch of knives from the kitchen and throw them at the ppl
You: You've now got a bunch of knives, a gun that can only shoot robots, $6 trillion, a notepad and a digital camera. You hear more unicycles coming down the corridor.
Your chat has been disconnected. Click here to chat again.

This player clearly knows when to leave a good cliff hanger. So, poor Ellis is no closer to finding out who killed Clagg Masterdon or getting away from the murder scene, and now the cops are coming in force. Still, $6 trillion dollars though.

Will Ellis escape? Will they find out who murdered Clagg Masterdon? Or will they just try and wank in the kitchen again?


We will continue Ellis Cobalt’s adventures next week or when I find time/am bored.

Read Part II here!

6 comments:

  1. Well done, I laughed my arse off.

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  2. Seriously want to take part in this, shame I quite sensibly don't frequent those sites.

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  3. Wow, that sounds like an amazing experiment. Great story-context for the bizarre character behavior, too.

    Looking forward to Ellis's escapade!

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  4. This was amazing. I really like how you are playing with the idea of a "narrator" as derivating from the traditional informer and interacting with the "stranger" each time more along the lines of the Stanley Parable. I would love to see a follow-up post eventually that just concludes and summarizes your thoughts on this type of story telling.

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